I wish you knew

I wish you knew how much you meant to me and how much losing you affected me. How much it kills me everytime I realize we won't ever be the same. How much it hurts seeing you and having so much to say, yet not being able to do so as the awkward silence lays between us. I wish you understood how much you hurt me. But i'm thankful because now I know I can weather every storm that comes my way. Because of you, I'm that much stronger and happier. Thank you for the life lessons.

All it took.

All it took was one month for me to "fall" for him. All it took was one month for me to completely loose my sanity along with my identity. All it took was one month for another to completely figure me out. All it took was one month for me to realize that my little spec of dirt in the great pool of sand was not bigger than anyone else's, and was in fact much smaller. All it took was one hour for me to regret it all, to ruin the relationship that I had so stupidly come to depend on. All it took was one month for me to think about those who turned to suicide to ease their pain. All it took was the past minute to realize that I am much stronger than that. And all it will take is for you to show someone that you care, and we would all still have the one we loved so dear.

4 things I have learned so far this year,

1: Loosing your mind doesn't come instantly... not all crazy people were always crazy, they were once as sane as the next person

2: The best way to disappear is through a book

3: Venting has instant gratification, but it always comes back and bites you in the asss

4: The concept of "normal" is highly subjective

ALONE

Have you ever had the feeling that you are alone in the world, that everyone has deserted you? Worst feeling in the world right? Well that's how I feel at the moment. It makes me angry that my love is never reciprocated and I'm not sure why it hurts so much, especially because we are only talking about friendships. I'm not sure why I am not able to love my family like I do my friends. For example, I care more about what my friends think of me, or whether or not they care for me as much as I care for them, than I do my family. It never bothers me when I loose contact with a family member but yet I try so hard to keep in touch with all my friends. It's completely screwed up, i know!!! But I can't help it. Perhaps it's bc I subconsciously know, or hope, that my family will never desert me, no matter what we go through. But I'm not too sure anymore. My mother and I keep having all these arguments about me wanting to leave and be on my own. For example, she came in today and gave me this whole speech on my "hate" for my sisters and her and all these other nonsense... truth be told half the time she makes me hate them,  her prophesies become true cause the longer she presses the issue, the more i resent her and everyone else. I know that you may not understand the situation but I have this feeling like i'll loose her like i'm loosing everyone else.

Observation

Nothing is ever really worth it. Not truly anyways because as far as i'm concerned everything comes crashing down in the end anyways.